Here Comes The Push

I guess I’ve always been one to push the limits.

I used to push to see how much I could get away with, push others around to get a reaction. Then I realised the only real person I needed to push was myself.

And so I pushed myself, pushed myself to get out there, to try new things, to push myself out of my comfort zone. Push myself to see how far I could reach, how much I could take, how low I could go. As a wise man said, what a shame it would be for a man to go his whole life without knowing the true limits of his strength and beauty that he could have achieved.

But I never would have thought I’d be pushed this far, to be stretched so thin, to be so worn out and dejected. And yet I am thankful for the experience, thankful that I endured and survived and have come out of it stronger and wiser.

Of course it wasn’t without scars. Metaphysical scars, perhaps. But these too shall pass.

And what is is you favourite tea?

Responsibility.

I have to take responsibility for my actions and the consequences, and learn from my mistakes. Things were said and done, some outside my control, but the damage was done nonetheless. Things were missed, people were unhappy. However, these too shall pass.

There were many sleepless nights, constantly pondering what should be done, what could have been done. And leading up to it, there were many things done, a frantic flurry and fiery fusion leading up to the critical mass.

I was tried and tested and pushed to my limits, meeting the demands of others, trying to please others. And through it all I learned and rediscovered that true lasting happiness comes from within.

Yes, there were setbacks and last minute madness that could have been avoided with a little better planning, but I cherished the experience, the wild ride and rollercoaster of emotions.

And yes, in spite of the fatigue and the pain and the physical and mental exhaustion, I am thankful to have gone through it all. I am taking the good with the bad, and holding on to those that made me a better person, that made me feel better and be better. And the bad…it helped me to remember and to cherish the good.

And I would be remiss if I said there wasn’t anger and rage and gnashing of teeth (but mostly a figure of speech). However, I bear no resentment or hate, no lingering lust for revenge or to see others fall. Just a sense of relief and gentle sadness that accompanies an eventful period of time spent in good company.

As life goes, seasons change and things move on. I will not be left behind. The good that I have taken with me will bear fruit, perhaps not now, but someday. There will come a day when I will prove that I can do it, that I have what it takes, that nothing can stop me. And I will have done it not to spite others, or to win anyone over, but to prove it to myself that it will all worthwhile. The sacrifices were all worth it.

Wait, that’s not a real tea!

Audacity – to take a leap of faith, to take that step outside, to not be afraid to fall. To go where you’ve never been before, to feel what you’ve never ever felt, to push yourself to limits you never knew you had.

It has been a good year, and I look forward to many more interesting ones, inshallah. These scars I shall carry and cherish, but they will not weigh me down, they will not stop me from soaring. It matters not if others no longer have faith in me, as long as I have faith in myself.

And no, I’m not going to bloody jump off a building. At least not without a flying fox suit.

Hm…maybe it’s time I give one of those a try.

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