The Feline Force

Don’t get me wrong – me gusta el gato.

I’m not sure if it’s a call for attention, or they prefer to test the limits of gravity with things apart from themselves, or they’re just being playful. Always playful, not a single care in life.

Ah, to be an innocent pet. Well, innocent is probably the wrong word for cats. Seemingly innocuous. And masters of the force. The feline force.

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Here Comes The Push

I guess I’ve always been one to push the limits.

I used to push to see how much I could get away with, push others around to get a reaction. Then I realised the only real person I needed to push was myself.

And so I pushed myself, pushed myself to get out there, to try new things, to push myself out of my comfort zone. Push myself to see how far I could reach, how much I could take, how low I could go. As a wise man said, what a shame it would be for a man to go his whole life without knowing the true limits of his strength and beauty that he could have achieved.

But I never would have thought I’d be pushed this far, to be stretched so thin, to be so worn out and dejected. And yet I am thankful for the experience, thankful that I endured and survived and have come out of it stronger and wiser.

Of course it wasn’t without scars. Metaphysical scars, perhaps. But these too shall pass.

And what is is you favourite tea?

Responsibility.

I have to take responsibility for my actions and the consequences, and learn from my mistakes. Things were said and done, some outside my control, but the damage was done nonetheless. Things were missed, people were unhappy. However, these too shall pass.

There were many sleepless nights, constantly pondering what should be done, what could have been done. And leading up to it, there were many things done, a frantic flurry and fiery fusion leading up to the critical mass.

I was tried and tested and pushed to my limits, meeting the demands of others, trying to please others. And through it all I learned and rediscovered that true lasting happiness comes from within.

Yes, there were setbacks and last minute madness that could have been avoided with a little better planning, but I cherished the experience, the wild ride and rollercoaster of emotions.

And yes, in spite of the fatigue and the pain and the physical and mental exhaustion, I am thankful to have gone through it all. I am taking the good with the bad, and holding on to those that made me a better person, that made me feel better and be better. And the bad…it helped me to remember and to cherish the good.

And I would be remiss if I said there wasn’t anger and rage and gnashing of teeth (but mostly a figure of speech). However, I bear no resentment or hate, no lingering lust for revenge or to see others fall. Just a sense of relief and gentle sadness that accompanies an eventful period of time spent in good company.

As life goes, seasons change and things move on. I will not be left behind. The good that I have taken with me will bear fruit, perhaps not now, but someday. There will come a day when I will prove that I can do it, that I have what it takes, that nothing can stop me. And I will have done it not to spite others, or to win anyone over, but to prove it to myself that it will all worthwhile. The sacrifices were all worth it.

Wait, that’s not a real tea!

Audacity – to take a leap of faith, to take that step outside, to not be afraid to fall. To go where you’ve never been before, to feel what you’ve never ever felt, to push yourself to limits you never knew you had.

It has been a good year, and I look forward to many more interesting ones, inshallah. These scars I shall carry and cherish, but they will not weigh me down, they will not stop me from soaring. It matters not if others no longer have faith in me, as long as I have faith in myself.

And no, I’m not going to bloody jump off a building. At least not without a flying fox suit.

Hm…maybe it’s time I give one of those a try.

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How Do You React When You Feel The Pain Inside?

At some point in our lives, we will inevitably feel pain. The exterior pain will linger for a time, but it is easier to pinpoint and much easier to alleviate. The pain on the inside, on the other hand, is not so simple.

What do you do when you feel pain inside?

Do you curl up and sleep your woes away? Do you gorge yourself on the finest cuisine (or whatever is readily available)? Do you sing out a sad tune?

However you deal with pain, remember – you are not alone.

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Feelings – A Haiku

Do I not speak of
My feelings because I am
Trying to be man?

Do I not speak of
My feelings because of my
Asian upbringing?

And so are feelings
Not manly or improper
For certain ethnics?

Do us men not feel
Not feel sadness or sorrow
Happiness and joy?

Do us Asian folk
Bottle up our guilt and hurt
Show no affection?

Do I not speak of
My feelings because I will
Be vulnerable?

Do I not speak of
My feelings because only
Rejection awaits?

Do I not speak of
My feelings because I am
Still empty inside?

How can I express
Say that which I cannot name
No labels for them?

How can I tell you
What I am feeling if I
Do not know myself?

Do I not speak of
My feelings because I fear
That you will hate me?

That you will lash out
With your tongue and mighty words
Of judgment and truth.

Or that my feelings
Mean absolutely nothing
Mean nothing to you.

Feelings are fleeting
They come and go like the wind
They fall like the rain.

As rain hits the earth
Teardrops perishing to mist
And forever gone.

So too do feelings
Strike and fade upon the skin
Gone in a moment.

But some feelings stay
They linger on deep inside
Churning in our gut.

Like raging hunger
They boil inside our belly
Consume from within.

And if we do not
Give them voice and let them out
Grow inside they will.

Like a seed without
Beautiful rays of sunshine
And warmth of a hug.

So too will the seeds
Inside us wither and die
Warping in the dark.

Perhaps there will come
A day when we can learn to
Talk about feelings.

To begin telling
Of the story from the heart
With two words: “I feel…”

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The Study of A Lifetime

One cannot deny the power of education, but it is unfortunate that many spend a better part of their youth and prime in training, endlessly learning and honing themselves so they can spend what’s left of it catching up with the system and picking up the essential skills of life. And by that time, they wake up and their strength is fading and their hair is graying and they can’t help but feel like life has just been one big blur, one long difficult ride, one slow step at a time.

Many try for the big win, the one great gain that will set them up for life, and many fall short, disappointed and disheartened. Some keep trying, some give up, and some eventually get to a place where they are comfortable and happy, ready to repeat the cycle anew.

And so we continue to study for our lifetime, a life of learning and of longing for something more, never fully satisfied, always something new. Why do we spend most of our life learning how to live?

How are your life studies coming along?

@samwiseshj

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Someone Amazing

Once in your life (or perhaps twice, if you are fortunate) you will meet someone amazing, someone who will make you nervous, someone who will shock you and surprise you, someone who will turn your world upside down, who will challenge your world view and share your world. Who will make you see things from a new perspective, make you realise there are so many other beautiful things out in the world.

You will meet someone who will make your heart flutter, your brain freeze, who will make you want to sing out loud, will make you see the music, and hear the colours of the rainbow. Someone who will laugh at you and with you, who will tell it to you like it is, who isn’t afraid to take your shit (no, not literally, ew). Someone who gives a damn about you and who you are, who you really are.

And suddenly, you’re not alone anymore. Your time is no longer just your own. You are swept up in a grand adventure, a wild journey drifting through time and space. For once, your life has a sparkling new direction, you have found a new muse, a new joy; your very being has renewed meaning, your life has a new purpose. You may not know what exactly it is, but you know it will never be the same again.

And you know deep down, somehow, that this, all this, will come to an end.

Not the feelings and fanciful experiences that you had, the conversations and chagrin that you shared. The little moments and memories you had together. Those quiet intervals between adventures where you could just be, where you were comfortable knowing there was someone else there who wasn’t trying to steal your shit or cause you harm. The cozy feeling in your inner being of warmth and contentment. No, not those. Those memories will haunt you forever.

There will come a time when your togetherness will cease, when you will have to be apart. Whether it be long or short, voluntary or not by choice, one thing will remain the same: the pain.

And yes, even the pain will end. Eventually, someday. And everything will be alright.

Yes, everything will be alright. Your lips quiver and your chest falls away in slow motion, like a cold rock spiraling downward toward the void, the all-embracing darkness. As you come to accept the inevitable future, a future now devoid of purpose, of joy, of hope, of warmth, you can’t help but wonder – what the fuck were they thinking when they wrote those fucking fairy tales?

Those lies built up over generations of propaganda and brain washing, that there is a happy ending, that there is a hope of redemption, a hope of peace and retribution. A hope that happiness can last for a lifetime. That there is hope. Lies.

Human existence is messy and convoluted and disappointing. It is a world full of rejection and indifference and hate. It is pain.

And you cling to the pain, the fleeting flashes of emotions that you find in your bleak existence, living on with the hope in your heart. The hope of impending doom. The hope that maybe you will be reunited with those who have left, those who have gone from your life, even if it is for that brief split second before your soul leaves your body.

And in your despair you recall those fleeting feelings, those moments when you glimpsed happiness. At least you had that, no matter how short-lived. And you will always have that, those happy memories and bittersweet moments of peace and serenity without a care in the world.

And that is why you must soldier on.

Because these are but feelings and thoughts. Like people, they will come and go. Life is unfair, life will have its ups and downs. You will not always be happy, and you will not always be sad, and you may no longer be that innocent, carefree, shiny-eyed little rascal, but what you are now is a fighter. What you now have is a will to go on, a will to live and breathe and take what this world has to give and roll with the punches.

As cliched as it sounds: what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Your belief in yourself becomes stronger; your belief in better days becomes stronger. Pain makes you stronger.

You begin to realise that at the end of it all, everything will be alright. And even if it isn’t alright, who’s going to be around to care?

And perhaps there is the hope that one day, you will meet someone amazing, someone who will make you nervous again. Maybe it will be that same someone. Maybe it won’t. But it matters not, because you will be alright. Because you are that amazing someone.

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